Friday, December 01, 2006

West Civ meets my Crazy Life

So, basically, I left my cell phone in my pants yesterday while doing laundry. I’m an idiot. BUT, it awakened my creative muse, as this incident, combined with the four hours of West Civ readings that I had done, inspired me to write. So, without further adieu, I present: West Civ’s most famous authors retelling how I ruined my phone.

Ezekiel

1 The word of the LORD came to me. 2 Speak unto the people of C105, that they may hearken to my words of caution. 3 And He said: Mortal, there was once two roommates, one who played World of Warcraft all day, and the other who played bass guitar all day. 4 And the name of the former was Markus, and the name of the latter was Michael. 5 Markus was content to wallow in his own filth, emerging from his room only to eat and occasionally eliminate waste. 6 His lover was his girlfriend, and so I delivered her into his arms, and made things generally awkward for his roommate. 7 His roommate Michael saw this, and decided to purify his garments in the basement of his household. 8 But woe unto him, for in his haste to rid himself of the image of his brethren, he forgot his sacred vow to Rogers Wireless. 9 For Michael had neglected to remove the cell phone from the jeans he threw into the washer. 10 And lo, when his pants emerged from the washing machine, his phone was ruined. 11 And Michael checked the warranty to see if water damage was covered 12 But alas, it was not, and Michael was ruined.

13 When I heard this, I was seized with trembling at the idiocy of the action, and stared into the great beyond for seven days. 14 And at the end of the seventh day, I toppled, and thought to myself, “Surely this Michael be the greatest tool in the world”. 15 And the LORD God concluded, saying: Take heed mortal; 16 lest the rest of my people, the ArtSci’s, fall unto such folly and turn from my grace, and I forsake them by expanding the program to 200 people.


Herodotus

The Canadians have many strange customs, including playing a sport called “Hockey”, which is our Lacrosse, but on frozen water. In addition, their prostitutes have a questionable method of operating. Every Thursday, they dress themselves up in their finest wares, and after consuming a strong, watery looking beverage distilled from potatoes known as Vodka, they proceed to Quarterus, the local brothel. There, they are intimate with the many warriors who venture far and endure long waits for the privileges of their company. They allow the warriors to fawn upon them and purchase them libations. Should they approve of the warrior, they retreat back to his domicile to engage in activities I am loath to discuss. Should they not approve, however, they will escape with the other unclaimed maidens, claiming that they have “a thing” to attend the following morning. This custom puzzles me, but it is the way of the land, and I do not attempt to justify it, for each civilization believes their customs to be superior.
They related a tale to me, about one of their people, called Michael Herman. The general consent is that he is a needy attention seeker, although some Canadians, specifically from the tribe around the area of C105, maintain that he is simply misunderstood. However, I think this is unlikely to be true, as it is preposterous to believe that someone who is simply “misunderstood” can irritate that many people.
The story they relate involves the ritual of cleansing their garments. Rather than wash them by the river, as the Greeks do, the practice there is to take them to a “laundry room” as they call it, and from there receive the aid of monstrous steel machines to clean the garments for them. Now, Michael, as they claim, had a troubling dream the night before. He dreamt he saw numbers floating all about, when suddenly a large mechanical device began urinating, drowning out all the letters. Michael awoke in a fearful state. He went to his advisor, Majik Etball, who told him to inquire again at a later date. Taking matters into his own hands, he interpreted this dream to signify his impending failure on the calculus quiz. Calculus was a form of education of the Canadians, where they take a series of numbers and letters, and arrange them in an arbitrary fashion. This process originated from the Emperor Valeriote, who reigned for 17 years prior to this time. He had hoped to emulate the Roman empire in their successes, and as such decreed that all males between the ages of 17 and 22 should educate themselves in this fashion. It was chiefly because of these actions, as I believe, that the revolt led by Miro (or The Silver Fox, as the Amazons knew him) occurred, which I will detail later.
Hoping to avoid his failure, Michael retreated to the basement of his domicile, in order to facilitate the use of this “laundry room”. To be fair, some other accounts claim that he first tried to seduce the girl, Pszvddrivdder, who lived down the hall from him, but only after the third slapping did he relent and proceed down to the basement.
Once in the basement, in his haste to get his clothes into the machine, he neglected to remove his phone from his pocket. Upon his removal of the pants, which were unlike our Greek pants, as they were comprised of a stitched blue canvas, with the name “Levi” written all over it, he realized the true meaning of the dream. He fell to the floor, crying in anguish over the loss of his beloved cell phone.
This is the tale that the Canadians relate to me; I did not see it first hand. However, in one of my travels to Brandon City, in order to discuss with a female patron of Quarterus the large sores that were appearing on my personage, I did come across a man who fit the description of this Michael, wandering the corridors, inquiring if anyone had a blow-dryer for him to borrow.


Plato

Socrates: When we last convened, were we not discussing the shortcomings of man?
Timaeus: Yes, you are so right! Why must you be so perfect at everything?

Socrates: And were we not discussing how often it is the hubris of the individual that leads to his ultimate downfall?

Critias: Yes, oh gods yes! Please Socrates, may I please fellate you, you are so good at philosophy?!

Socrates: Let us wait until the class is dismissed. Now, did not the fourth member of your party promise that they were to attend this class?

Hermocrates: His head exploded when he found out that you knew his name.

Socrates: Alas, this is tragic. Nevertheless let us proceed to debate the nature of human failings. Now Timaeus, you said that you wished to discuss this subject, and had prepared an eighty page dissertation on the matter.

Timaeus: Yes, this is true. Now, if we postulate that humans can have failings, and that these failings manifest themselves in actions, then either these actions are stupid or they are idiotic or they are unknown to be smart. Now clearly since we cannot fathom that which is unknown to be smart, seeing as how it is unknown, we can then see that all human action can be perceived as either stupid or idiotic. Now, what is the proper shape of idiocy or stupidity that manifests itself in our perception? It is foolish to assume that it would be larger than five sides, for as we know, five is the days of the schooling week, and where else is a human to commit follies than at school? We can then subdivide this pentagram into seven equal sections, each consisting of area 1, 2/3, 3, 16/3, 6, 27/4, and 7. From the largest subdivision of this area, we see a pants-like shape of the pentagram. This pants-like shape is surely the shape of the “fool” particles of human nature. Furthermore, the shape of area 27/4 takes on the appearance of a cell phone. Supposing that this shape is also of some significance, one can clearly see a trend towards some sort of catastrophe, involving the two aforementioned shapes. Now, these shapes are constantly interacting, such that the shape of the pants is also the shape of the phone, while the shape of the phone is also the shape of the pants, and the two can simultaneously be the shape of the other while still being a distinct shape of their own, and maintain their shapeliness of their shape and form, that is, pants and phones, except when they crash causing liver failure, should the aforementioned pants to phone collision and interaction occur in the human body. However, there is the consideration of freewill to take into account, and as such, we should disregard the entire paragraph above, and instead view the conundrum from this perspective.
The human shape is concerned with hygiene, specifically when pertaining to the garments. Thus, the Living Being who created us also fastened steel plates, hoses, and spinners together, to create devices to aid in our cleaning. Now, if we postulate on the existence of the phone, and the convenience that the Living Being placed on man when pockets were created to store the phone, it becomes apparent that the Being wished for us to have the maximal enjoyment from these pockets. However, because of the nature of humanity, the bile sometimes clouds the judgment, and instead of removing the phone from the pockets, the human instead neglects to take it from its place in the pocket, and in doing so ruins the device that he so sought to preserve. Now, if that is not an example of human folly, then I know not what is. And therefore, human failings can be seen perfectly in this example, which is so clear and simple, even a simply layman could comprehend it.

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