Thursday, April 20, 2006

Yes, my hiatus is over, at least for now. Turns out that contrary to my belief, public nudity IS an arrestible offence. But no worry, one rock hammer and three posters of 1960's models later, I'm a free man (thank you Shawshank Redemption).

In my absence, I've noticed one thing in this work-a-day world of ours: Mace really stings when you get hit in the face with it. But another thing of note is how little one knows about the other religions that are not one's own. So, to that extent, I have provided a small but insightful guide to every world religion.

*DISCLAMER* No, I do not in fact know every religion in the world. But if I dont know about it, it's not important. Deal with it.

Religions!!!

Judiasm

Pros: Arguably the first major religion, this religion was the first to create the concept of charity, unbiased judgement, and guilt. This belief system believes in a singular God, who created the world, can do whatever he wants, and stirs the pot whenever he feels things are getting too dull around here. These people have a proud history of surviving all opperssors, having a strong bond to the State of Israel, and of never paying retail, no matter what. Thess people are surprisingly resiliant, outlasting the Persians, Babylonians, Syrians, Greeks, Romans, Ottomans and Palestinians (assuming the Messiah comes sometime really soon). By being a member of this sect, you can also make lots of jokes about having big noses, being cheap, and about controlling the world. Hell, you COULD feasably control the world.

Cons: Persecuted is kind of an understatement. EVERYONE hates you: The Arabs, the French, hell, even the Swiss probably dont like you. You guys have been history's whipping boys. Oh, and unlike many of these other religions, you don't have one or two rules; you've got 613 of them. From what you can and can't eat, to what you can and can't sodomize, this religion makes sure that no matter what you do, it's probably wrong. Oh, and remember that Israel thing? You're the one's being blown up.

Roman Catholic

Pros: One of the world's biggest religion's, and arguably the most influential. This group of followers believe that Jesus Christ, the most successful Jew to go into his father's business, died for our sins, and after coming back to life, packs it in after three days, and tells us he'll come back in a while, when we're ready. Kinda like the gopher in Groundhog Day. Two thousand years later, they're still holding out. Being a part of this religion allows you to be saved during the rapture (always a plus). Plus, taking a bath saves your soul, and a little bread and wine is like eating Jesus.

Cons: EATING JESUS?! What the hell is wrong with you?! Isn't he like your God? Plus, you have to take shit from an 85 year old man, who is horribly out of touch with the world, has lived in the same place for years, and has never touched a woman in his life. If you wouldn't take advice from that Star Wars nerd from down the street, why would you take it from him? Plus, your doctorine changes on a daily basis. "Ok, we dont eat meat. Ok, fine, but not on Fridays. Fine, Friday's too. And women aren't people. Fine, they are, but not really. And we really dont like the Jews. Fine we do- JOKES, we don't. Ok, this time we do. But that doesn't mean you can have protected sex. Yes, even you Africa."

Prodestant

Pretty much the same as Roman Catholic, but you don't listen to the Pope, eat Jesus, or get born evil.

Mormon

Pros: Polygamy's your thing? Well, this is about the only sect that still allows it. Double to septuple your pleasure with as many wives as you see fit. This ultra-religous group of Christians believes in the evils of modernity, from pornography, to beer, and even evil, evil electricity. They live in their own communities, living a simple life of farming, praying, and fighting the devil (it's kind of like Batman, but substituting pitchforks for the bat-belt and a horse and buggy for the Batmobile). Living in the thriving metropolises of Waterloo and Salt Lake City, you will never have to worry about pissing off God, because you never do anything to piss him off. It's a lot like being Canadian. Plus, can you go wrong with anything that Jon "Napoleon Dynamyte" Heder is a part of?

Cons: In response to the last question posed, yes, you can go very wrong. Do you like drinking? Can't do that. Promiscuity? Nope. Driving? Get used to a horse and buggy. Lights? Use a lamp, electricity is a sin. Hours and hours of mind-crushing prayer and servitude? Well then, you're in luck. And let's face it, how exciting IS Jon Heder's life? All he does is stay at home, and fend off calls from people who either say what a hack he is, or ask him to say "IDIOTS! Gosh!".

Islam

Pros: Hate women? Like oil? Enjoy being insurgents? Then this is the faith for you. Founded by Mohommed, who was spoken to by God, this distinguishes itself from every OTHER religion that was started by God talking to one guy, by having one of the most violent histories in the world. From their auspicious start (Hey, wanna join us? Ok, now that we've killed everyone you hold dear?), to the modern day Arab world, this is definatly the most aggressive religion. By joining this faith, you not only inherit 22 of the most oil-rich states in the world (and thus control the world even better than the Jews), you also are granted Allah's divine protection. That means that if you die killing an infidel, you are granted 72 virgins. Because anything less would be inacceptable (although no one really knows what happens on the 73rd day). Plus, you can stick it to those heathens in America.

Cons: America, specifically George W. Bush, is out to kill you. So...ya...watch out for that. If you're a woman, you have little rights other than "bear my children" and "cover every part of your body". Plus, you can be sold for a goat (two, if the market value's good). As well, some of your countries are run by dictators. Really it's just Iran. And Syria. And Lebanon. And Saudi Arabia. And Jordan. And Egypt. And the UAE. And of course, there has to be a REASON that those 72 women were virgins in the first place.

Buddism

Pros: Like being confused? This religion is perfect for you. Founded by an obese Asian man, this religion mostly focuses on asking questions. Such questions include "What is the sound of one hand clapping?", "What is Zen?" and "Where is truth?" (Although later historians now believe that most of these questions originated when Buddah dropped his "Zen-truth" brand sugarcane on the floor, and his stubby fingers were unable to reach it). This path of life is focused on solitary meditation, weaning off the dependence of mateiral goods, and of living a life of reflection. It's no wonder that some of the most dedicated followers are monks and homeless people. This religion also makes you sound really cool. It's like the exotic sports car of world beliefs. All the women will be all up on's when you tell them at a party that you practice Buddhism.

Cons: You will never be allowed to touch these women. Also, depending on how observant you are, you might not be able to dance, listen to music, drink, or sleep in a big bed. Kind of makes going to a party pointless. As well, the questions you focus on? They're called 'Unanswerable' for a reason. And Buddah? He died after eating a pork meal. Do you really wanna trust your future to a guy who couldn't overcome an ulcer? Finally, the Chinese are killing you in Tibet, and it isnt looking so peachy for you guys there in general

Hindu

Pros: Tired of worshipping one diety? Well, Hindu has a bunch to choose from. From the elephant headed guy, to the six armed chick, there's something for everyone who has a thing for men/animals or polylimbed gods. Another plus is that you become reincarnated. That means that you get to relive all of life's good experiences - having sex, graduating, being aquitted for second-degree murder. As well, arranged marriges are all the rage! Too ugly to get a bride? As long as you have enough wheat and livestock to pay the dowry, it doesnt matter! Plus, these guys invented yoga!

Cons: Being reincarnated also means reliving all of life's bad experiences too - puberty, rejection, sickness, rejection, humiliation, bullies, horrible horrible rejection. Oh, and like the washing machine, you're stuck in an infinate spin-cycle of reincarnation. UNLIKE the washing machine, you cant open the top and stop it. Plus, you could come back as something horrible, like a dog, a bird, or a Russian. And to top it off, there's something called the "Ultimate Reality". I didn't bother to research it, but I assume it's like Virtual Reality. Virtual Reality makes me dizzy and disoriented. When I'm dizzy, I hit things. When I hit people, they stop liking me. So following Hinduism will make you lose friends

Scientology

Pros: Tom Cruise does it. That should be enough for you people. But if you need more convincing, consider this - what sounds more rational: we were created after a fight between good and bad aliens, and that our innate evil comes from the vaporized bad aliens we inhale in the air, and that trauma experienced in childhood causes depression, and so birth should be done in silence -OR- we were created by an invisible, all powerful thing, a creation which is in opposition to every known scientific evidence, and this guy cares about us, but not enough to intervene in our lives when we need it (but still needs our servitude), and as part of our covenant, we either cut off our foreskins or dunk our babies in water to save thier souls? Thought so. Plus, if you're sick of paying through the nose for medical care, you dont have to worry about 'psychiatrists' or 'medicine' as both are unnatural and Godless. And of course, you have a network of brothers to lean on, provided you pay your 2 grand a month to the brotherhood.

Cons: Telling women to be quite while something falls out of their orifices is all good and well in theory, but it's a whole different story in practice. And once that flesh cut becomes infected with tetnus, penecillin doesn't seem go bad after all. Oh, and the whole "People will never take you seriosuly again in your life" thing. That's a concern too.

So there you go. I think this has made it abundantly clear which path is the best: Atheism.

This is Michael Herman saying - "Write a book: It's the fifth best thing you can do with your hands"

PS - " Writing poetry is the ninth"

4 Comments:

At Thursday, April 20, 2006 9:17:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

ahaha. oh so true.
keep on writing.

becca

 
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At Friday, August 04, 2006 12:38:00 PM, Blogger random_mommy said...

okay. your thoughts on catholicism are priceless.

 

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