Monday, June 06, 2005

When you can't say something nice...

..rip off other people's blogs.

Yes, thats right, I am liberally borrowing from Chaz and Fromstein's blogs. I bring you:

JEWISH STUDIES COURSES FOR GRADE 12!

Jewish Ethics:
Ever wondered why we have to follow these 613 rules that we have? Why God demands so much of us? Why homosexuals are horrid deviants who should be put to death? Well then, sign up for Jewish Ethics. Become enlightened as to what makes you human: Worship of God (if thats wrong, then I just failed my English Exam...). Learn with some of the schools finest exactly what you're doing that is damning you to hell for all etenrnity. Plus, flow charts!

Jewish Philosophy:
Want to know about what Judiasm thinks of everything?

ITS THE WILL OF GOD!

But if you think there's more than that, enroll in Jewish Philosophy, and be proven horribly wrong. All the great Jewish philosophers are here: Rashi, Rambam, Ritva, Sforno, Abarbanell, Tosfot, Ramsfot, Ritbam...and such'n. Learn their many varying attitudes towards God, from "God is Great, and we should serve him with no question!" to "Why we should degrade ourselves more in his service!"

Jewish History:
Even I'm not tactless enough to mock such a horrific event in our history, namely the Holocaust. Instead, I will caution that it is taught by an obsessive-compulsive chiwawa on anti-depressants, who will single you out for being named Lee. Anythign that happens offends her as a woman and as a historian. Especially my dramatic reinactment of a Roman Whore-house. What?! I thought it was relevent to the destruction of the Temple....

Woman in Jewish History
Ever hear the expression "I cant take blood from a stone"? Well this class will teach you all about it, and several other expressions such as "Mindless Waste of Time", "Chick-Course" and "Class Action Sexual Harassment Suit". Learn about such Jewish Heriones as Ester, Deborah, umm....and....that transvestite chick....and, er, that woman that David saw showering on a roof....and the Virgin Mary. Heroines All! Plus, create a Passover Seder that spits in the face of 3000 years of tradition becuase some girl wants an orange on a seder plate.

Talmud
Wonder what happens if you leave your cow out in the road between Succot and Passover in Tel-Aviv when its raining, in the seventh year of the Shmeta cycle, and you have a ditch next to it that was dug by day workers, while someone else was entrusted to watch your cow, but bankrupted himself so he could claim another fields pe'ah as his own, and instead of placing your cow in a straw hut leaves it exposed to theives and bandits?

Well, this course wont help at all.

But, if you have a desire to hear why children these days should be hit, why buckets of ink have been spilled about a punctuation mark, or why Gemara must be eaten with Spices (or so I assume, I dont really focus all that much), this is the class for you! And, for an extra 10$, Bierstone will tell you why you're completly wrong in whatever you do!

Rabbinics
Well, I've never actually taken this class, but I'm going on by what I assume happens.

If you enjoy sitting around, hitting each other over the heads with sticks, and swinging cats around, saying "I'm the biggest idiot ever", then we have a class for you! Perfect if you want to learn about Judiasm, but have no motivation to do so!

Tanach
The story of Genesis. One of beauty, significance, and contradicting every known shred of scientific evidence. See the commandment for having sex. There is one, right? Damn right! Also, if Rav Surkis's hands get caught in his beard, you get a day off!

Hebrew Newspaper
This class was cancelled due to lack of interest. No Joke.

Ivrit
This class is without a doubt the most useless class in school. You can learn about a Hebrew Language that even native Israelis don't understand. Plus, you can learn political stories about outdated situations in Israel. And, see why everyone in the world is out to get us. Even the Jews.

But Especially the Arabs.

But Especially the French.

But Especially the Brazilians (those bastards!)


Well, I hope this guide has served to educate you what to do next year: Take Summer Classes.
Wish me luck in Biology on Thursday.

This is Michael Herman saying: Contrary to popular belief, when you pop, the fun stops shortly thereafter.

PS- Especially if you forgot to use a rubber

6 Comments:

At Monday, June 06, 2005 4:08:00 PM, Blogger Chaz said...

Wow. This was really funny. I especially like Talmud and Rabinnics, and also Ramsfot and Ritbam.

Also, nice ending with the condom thing.

I don't have much else to say except that it was really funny.

The following was my reaction to reading your blog:

Chaz: Hahaha.

Nobody:.......*cough*

Chaz out.

 
At Monday, June 06, 2005 4:13:00 PM, Blogger Chaz said...

OH yeah, buckets of ink spilling? Brilliant!

 
At Monday, June 06, 2005 4:21:00 PM, Blogger Bensinger333 said...

Herman, I must say, quite funny. I mean, you've offended me as a Jew and a moral human being, but that's what comedy is all about. Anything to keep me from my Jewish History essay. You know, the one that should have been done before school ended... Yeah...

 
At Monday, June 06, 2005 7:54:00 PM, Blogger A Cranky Old Jew said...

Ya, really good post... for a kike...

Also, as Chaz has recently corrected, fix your comment timestamp scheme.

 
At Wednesday, June 08, 2005 5:09:00 PM, Anonymous beck said...

ok, i have tried to stay silent while my friends kept on telling me that i have to read people's blogs because they are "sooo funny" but i cannot deal: fromstein, if you use the word "kike" one more time i am going to have to make you say it to risa epsteins face, and suffer the consequences.
and herman, as much as i have your back all the time, i dont back the rudeness towards the hebrew newspaper course! EVERYONE SHOULD TAKE IT! sign up if you care about israel! hurray!

back to more BIOlogical death

 
At Saturday, June 11, 2005 8:48:00 PM, Anonymous Gabe said...

2nd to the hebrew newspaper, I WANT MY COURSE
excuse my yelling!

 

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