Sunday, June 26, 2005

This coming summer (or Why I need $10 000 in bail money)

Yes, that's right, the summer is here. No more cowering indoors from the fear of the cold, or your own shadow (come on, he's fucking scary...always one step ahead of me....or parallel to me). Now we can all go outside and frolic in the enchanted meadows. Or, failing a meadow, some sort of astro-turf substitute.

But for most of us who dont spend ten months of the year cowering in the basement, chained to the wall, fighting the rats for scraps, we need something to occupy ourselves. Thus, I present a handy, dandy, portable (assuming you have a laptop or an albino and a pencil nearby):


Summer Camp: Easily the most fun, but also the most expensive. Learn how to get along with your peers, in a questionably structured environment, with minimal supervision and chaotic organizing. Enjoy all the social malajustment fun of school without any of the educational content. On the plus side, the minimal supervision can come in handy, if you need some 'private time', either to have some fun, or to construct a life-size replica of the Abe Lincoln. And sometimes, both. Hey, they didn't call him the eMANcipator for nothing.

Summer School: If the ten months weren't enough school for you, then have we got the program for you. Learn in some of the most nurturing environments: Foregin Countries. Becuase nothing's more logical than taking English in Italy, or learning Calculus where they still use the Goat as their main currency. While it seems like an easy ticket to a good mark, ten years later, when you're filling in ditches on the 401 with Bubba-Ray as he describes his sister's problems in the bedroom because you flunked out of college, you may feel upset that you took an easy way out of your education. Or, alternatly, stay in the city, and learn from teachers who were either too inept to get jobs at real schools, or who are being punished for BEING horrible teachers by teaching other kids.

Summer Job: When you're a teen, the summer job oppertunities aren't exactally abundant or appealing. You could choose to work for an amusement park, and get trained how to push up on a bar for three hours. Or, you could get a job at a sleepaway camp that's falling apart. Or, work at a day camp for Ritalin chomping, idiotic, spoiled rich Jewish kids (a camp I went to for 7 years :D). Or, stay on the street corners, whoring yourself out to single and lonely businessmen. And sell them lemonade while you're at it. All winning jobs!

ISRAEL TRIP: Now, I'm not saying this because I'm going on one, or because it's clearly the best choice, but, lets face it, look at the alternatives. What could be better than flying on an anti-semetic airline to the armpit of Europe, going from death camp to death camp, then flying to a stretch of sand dumped in between the Meditaranian and the Jordan that people have been blowing themselves up over for years (those bastards) to hike in the blistering sun, around people whose language we dont understand, and to stop in an army base where your food, in all likelyhood, has been urinated in? ...Come to think of it, the whoring is sounding better every minute...

In related news, BILLY ISRAEL IN ONE WEEK! w00t!

So there you have, the ways in which to waste your summer away, until the next round of school comes to crush what little free spirit you had.

This is Michael Herman saying: Remember- childhood is fleeting, maturity is for adulthood, but insanity lasts as long as you stop taking the medication.

PS- Or at least the voices in my head tell me that


At Sunday, June 26, 2005 10:10:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

First Comment, Shit im good at this shit

Summer School is the one for me but they won't let me go, they say, "Fasttracking is bad but it doesn't matter because first you have to pass grade 1" well thats not fair i should be able to take grade 3 before 1, 2 don't you think besides im not dumb i can count 1 3 4 5 6 7 9 see me speak the good english

At Monday, June 27, 2005 1:55:00 AM, Blogger still_figuring_out said...

i have never been to a summer camp...booo hoo hooo...

:) enjoy your trip.

At Monday, June 27, 2005 8:00:00 AM, Blogger Erika said...

you told us what to write on the albino with the last post you said u weren't gonna!!!

At Monday, June 27, 2005 8:39:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

hooray for summer, yes.

but don't diss the amusement park workers :P:P Or as I like to call us, slaves. XD
whee...I can check restraints. But who out of all of you can say that you get paid to go to Wonderland? eh? who? tahts right.I thought so.

And I'm writing this as i'm about to run out the door, and hopefully not crash into it.


At Monday, June 27, 2005 9:13:00 AM, Blogger Herman said...

While I DID ruin my 'albino writing mystery', that's not the only thing that you could write with on him (hint: it's very very inapporpriate).

And Taryn, while you DO get into Wonderland for free, so do I (yay season's pass), but I actually get to go on the rides, and not just ask if people are secured in safely.

At Monday, June 27, 2005 9:27:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Taryn do you know Leon Orlofsky he;s the supervisor for the Italin Job o and by the way everyone i know that work(ed)(s) hate(s)(ed) it so nan nan poo poo

At Monday, June 27, 2005 2:07:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

yeah, Wonderland ain't the BEST job in the world. But my crew is amazing and the people are really nice, plus a lot of my friends are working there. so things are good. :D

this summer is gonna be crazy.

At Monday, June 27, 2005 2:08:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

oh, and no, i don't know that Leon guy

At Monday, June 27, 2005 4:02:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

summer school: you failed to mention that doing a course that you require for university but not to succeed in life (like maybe calc although i did biology) will not only raise your average but give u a spare for next year. bio in ecuador/galapagos (which are considered part of ecuador but u still need a passport to get into-- very confusing) was the best thing i ever did, and learning about nature as we were in the rain forest definetly had its ups. dont knock it till youve tried it.

another possible fun summer activity is sitting on your ass all summer and reading. no need to worry about responsibilities and/or making friends and be prepared to have higher english marks next year. unless your teacher is a bitch who takes off marks for spelling and is named chaz. or possibly become a carni. solely for my amusment.

even though i make these recommendations, i am totaly jealous of your israel trip. would trade in my zodiac staff shirt for a tzahal one any day. though i do get to see some kickass concerts this summer.

At Monday, June 27, 2005 6:14:00 PM, Blogger Erika said...

well herman, as long as its not very very VERY inappropriate then I spose its ok.

At Monday, June 27, 2005 9:00:00 PM, Blogger anon said...

We don't even have summer in San Francisco. It's freakin' cold here! I'm on my way to a 70's themed party in the hottest Beyonce-esque black and white fishtail halter dress, and I have to wear a coat. Not a jacket mind you--A COAT.

At Wednesday, June 29, 2005 8:57:00 PM, Blogger Bailey Spagat said...


At Wednesday, June 29, 2005 9:31:00 PM, Blogger Scott McMillan said...

I always enjoyed summer camp.

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At Thursday, June 30, 2005 7:26:00 AM, Blogger Contrarian said...

Oh man that guy completely whored. That is exactly what I used to do.

At Sunday, July 10, 2005 9:12:00 PM, Blogger N/A said...

Oh Chaz-whoring, I remember it well. Good times. Anywho, yay for hilarious Herman!

At Sunday, October 02, 2005 1:51:00 PM, Blogger jon said...

After we paid for our kids summer camp rhode island we found it tough to recover! I totally agree with you!

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