Monday, June 20, 2005

The Not Associated but Sharing Similar Ideals With Va'ad Meat-Eaters Draft

This was inspired by me and Fromstein. But mostly me this time. This was inspired by a conversation we had last nite, and with another conversation a had today with Ben Harris (which also compared masterbating to watching the CFL - they're both cheap substitutes for the real thing, but people seem to flock to it anyway... but that's a story for another day).

Far too often at camp, friendships are ruined over women. People get into fights, people betray one another, people obsess for too long. At one time or another, I have been subjected to all of those. But what benefit do we get for quarreling amongst ourselves? None, whatsoever. And especially in a camp environment, where we are isolated from the general population (along with many of their morals and ethics), we should not waste our time quarreling amongst ourselves. This is why I propose, for every camp to adopt:

THE DRAFT

This draft would be for all the guys. Depending on how your camp is set up, there would be two drafts: One during the first days of camp, and one half way through/second month.

The Draft Itself: The draft of women would occur within the first few days, as specified above. All the available (and by available, we mean not having girlfriends in the city, or are shomer negiah....bastards) males assemble in the room. The first overall pick would go to the most soically maldeprived, annoying, idiotic, loser. Then, after I draft, the sequence works backwards, so the coolest/pimpiest people pick last.

"But wait!" I can hear you exclaim, "Come back with my wallet!". Shortly after a trip downtown for me, you may also ask "But won't the socially challenged abuse this privilege and pick the most popular women, thus depriving the more popular, and obviously more deserving men at a shot for the glory"

"Not so fast" I would procalim. I would then draw an elaborate diagram detailing exactally how my plan would work, complete with 3D styrofoam models. But I'm feeling lazy, so I'll just tell you. The catch of this draft, is that if you pick a woman, and she turns out to hate your guts, you're stuck with her. That's right, you make a bad call, you're stuck with it. The result will be a sifting of the appropriate women to the appropriate men, while maintaining a fair playing field, and eliminating senseless competiton.

There are a few other regulations that are involved too:

The Second Draft: Because, aso the old saying goes, "Familiarity breeds contempt" no one man should be chained to one woman the entire camp experience. Midway through the camp experience, the women will be thrown back into the collective pot, and drafted up again. This is perfect because this is right around the time where people dump each otehr anyway. If you like the woman you're with, you can risk losing her in the draft to someone else, or another method, listed below. If you want a change, you can just go on ahead and pick someone new. Same rules for the women still apply.

The Franchise Tag: Lets say our Jonny B. Lucky has picked up a wonderful woman that he enjoys sharing feelings with, and buying expensive presents, or whatever other lies he has to do to get her in the sack. At the end of the first draft term (the first three weeks), he can opt to place the "Franchise Tag" on this woman. He retains the rights to her....intimacy...and she is not thrown back into the draft. The trade off is that he's stuck with her. No trading, dropping, or buyouts. He's stuck with her for the rest of camp. No way out of it. Only meant for serious commitment.

Trades: Also, because people make mistakes, like picking the wrong woman, or proposing to two seperate hookers at once, trades will be allowed. These can be one on one, or three way (hehe) trades. You can trade for other people's women, future draft choices (either the second half of the summer, or for following summers), cash, if you're really feeling like a pimp, or future considerations, if you just want to break the girl's heart. All transactions are final.

Buyouts: Sometimes, even with the best scouting, people make mistakes. Lets say our example in this story has picked a loser in the woman race. She's bitchy, she's evil, and most importantly she doesn't put out. No one will take her off her hands either. His final option: A buyout. For a trifiling sum of money (the yardstick being whatever you stuff into a stripper's waistband the first time), you can 'buy out' this girl. She will then be free to 'sign' with another male. Likewise, this now-available stud will be able to sign any free agent women, or just wait till the second draft. This buyout will affect his standing in the draft, though I haven't decided whether this will raise his status, because he's gone for a while without a woman, or lower it, cause he picked a loser, and can obviously not judge quality. If the buyout occurs in the second month, all the others will chip in and buy him a jar of lube.

Pre-Draft: The pre-camp time, or the first few days of camp. This is a perfect oppertunity to hold workouts for the soon to be drafted sweethearts and to scout them. Make them run in a combine, hot oil wressle, or whatever you deem nessicary to evaluate their 'talent'. You can sign girls to temporary contracts, with no obligation to hold onto her (namely, you can cut her at any time), simply to 'test it out'. At the date of the draft, all of these contracts are voided, unless an accord is reached by ALL the males (it has to be unanamous) as to an indivdiual's claim on a woman.

I believe that this would eliminate all woman-competition problems between men at camp. If my system is adopted, I think everyone will have a much enjoyable summer.

I now brace myself for the bevvy of "Herman you sexist pig" comments. *Scrunches into a ball*

This is Michael Herman saying: "The only true way to know that everyone loves you is to become an Oscar Meyer Weiner"

PS- Well, time to go jump in a meat grinder

22 Comments:

At Monday, June 20, 2005 9:45:00 PM, Blogger Absolut Silver said...

HERMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(yay first comment)
this draft is... interesting.
Women have now been reduced to trading cards. Lovely.
Oh well, i'm not going on billy izzy so i'm a very special card because i'm not part of the draft! HA

ps: someone save me from exams

 
At Monday, June 20, 2005 9:50:00 PM, Anonymous Lee said...

Herman, my god, why is this the first time I'm hearing about THE DRAFT???
It is the single most ingenious design of entrepreneurialismshipness since that guy without a neck sold necklaces! Not only was the article well written and well organized, but it was developed well, as well, much like an essay. Nay, a 5-paragraph essay.

Keep up the good work, and if you're lucky, I might just draft you... Wait, what? You're a boy? GET A HAIRCUT, HIPPY!!!

See you in 13 days...and likely sooner than that also...

-Lee

 
At Monday, June 20, 2005 10:24:00 PM, Blogger A Cranky Old Jew said...

While this idea was concieved largely by Herman, I'm sure everything good about it he got from me. Also, I demand the immediate removal of all connections with VME from this post. Mach shnel!

Much love,
Fromstein

 
At Tuesday, June 21, 2005 3:29:00 AM, Blogger Bensinger333 said...

Dear Herman,

I love you. You are now a God among... well, my stupid friends. Nevertheless, SACRILIGE!!!

If this doesn't rebut the clohomoset (it's a word puzzle, see if you can get it) theory, I don't know what good.

Tally ho, and good day.
The Benjamin D. Singer Experience for the Ladies

Wait... Problem. How does it work for someone like me, who requires the services of more than one woman (e.g. First Lady, First Mistress, Second Mistress, etc.)? Would I get 3 draft picks? Or just exec. privilege, and get to take whichever I want regardless of draft. I like option the two.

Of course, I don't even go to your camp, and as I'm planning on doing very little this summer, will not organize such a thing at Massad. However, as my only competition at that camp will be Josh Gross (Rende and Gang are... occipied. And I would beat them), for the title of Hot Foreign Kid, I'm basically in. Score. I like your system Herman, I really do.

Please refer to Chaz's blog, comments 25-26, and possibly my blog, if I post this morning, to understant why I am so incoherent.

 
At Tuesday, June 21, 2005 7:40:00 AM, Blogger Bensinger333 said...

Wow... I was cracked out five hours ago...

 
At Tuesday, June 21, 2005 11:14:00 AM, Anonymous taryn said...

that.


was terrible.


and not even funny.



I'm appalled. and bothered. and more appalled.
so yes, besides being a sexist pig, it's degrading.

kudos michael. Ku-dos.

 
At Tuesday, June 21, 2005 1:36:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well i enjoyed the post except i would change one part the part about making the geeks and nerds first picks fuck that me being one of the smoothest playa's in da world so i would get da last pick we all know the geeks and nerds dey dink dey me dere4 dell pick da hot ass chicks and leave me wit da shit girls cause dey dink dey cool but im the only real playa pimp fo real


Oh the irony

 
At Tuesday, June 21, 2005 2:41:00 PM, Blogger Erika said...

And do the said women have ANY say whatsoever in ANY of this???

 
At Tuesday, June 21, 2005 7:38:00 PM, Blogger Bensinger333 said...

Would that not defeat the entire purpose of the excercise? If the women were given the choice, they'd all flock to me. It's not fair to the others of my gender!

The Benjamin D. Singer Experience for the Ladies

 
At Tuesday, June 21, 2005 7:38:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

woman aren't people

 
At Tuesday, June 21, 2005 7:38:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

that was a joke before you get to offended

 
At Tuesday, June 21, 2005 7:39:00 PM, Blogger Herman said...

Okaaaaaaaay....looked like things got a little out of hand here.

I think people need to step back and realise that everything I write is SATIRE. If you actually believe that I take this seriously, then you obviosuly don't know me long enough. In person, I am a sensitive, pseudo-feministic guy.

I just wrote that as a joke. Obviously it's a horribly sexist and stupid system, but that's what the internet's for: To give voice to my inner idiot.

I apologize to anyone I offended.

Peace and so on

Herman

 
At Tuesday, June 21, 2005 7:44:00 PM, Blogger Erika said...

K, well, then i GUESS we can start working on forgiving the whole women aren't people comment...

 
At Tuesday, June 21, 2005 8:27:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

for a long time they weren't people occuding to the constituion

When Peter Griffen says it is funny everybody has a good laugh when i say it Oh he's a sexist pig we should go castrate him so he can feel are pain

 
At Tuesday, June 21, 2005 10:25:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

FEMALES OF THE WORLD
i say we unite and start a draft for the guys...
its not liek they care anyway
as long as they get some

 
At Wednesday, June 22, 2005 7:49:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

thats not true at all we like to get to know a girl first and then have long discussions about the sunset and then maybe as you put it get some were very sensitive people

 
At Wednesday, June 22, 2005 7:49:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

we just get a bad rep from TV

 
At Wednesday, June 22, 2005 8:03:00 AM, Blogger Bensinger333 said...

LIAR!

 
At Wednesday, June 22, 2005 1:13:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Benny Boy just because you may be a sick masturbate twice a day bastard doesn't mean all guys are


Hell before you reach 12 you can't masturbate at all but thats not the point

Your sick but most men are not in fact 80 percent of men masturbate 20 percent of men are missing there arms

75 percent of woman masturbate the other 25 percent want you to think it takes that long to go to the bathroom

 
At Wednesday, June 22, 2005 2:16:00 PM, Blogger Bensinger333 said...

Wow. That's some awesome ability to use the english language you have going on. Keep it up, someday you might pass grade 1.

 
At Wednesday, June 22, 2005 5:41:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

thanks thats my life goal but i think its a improvment dont you

 
At Wednesday, June 22, 2005 6:46:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

someday in the not so distant future . . . i hope

 

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