Friday, June 10, 2005

The many faces of Judiasm

DISCLAIMER!
In this aritcle, I am horribly offensice to every sect of Judiasm. Those who know me well, know that I dont really mean this, but that I need some outlet so that the body count doesn't go too high. If you are easily offended, or hate me, please don't read on.

I'm serious

Fine

You had your warning



Yes, once again, I have come up with nothing original, so I have resorted to classafying the advantages and risks of all the sects of Judiasm....that I know.

JUDIASM!

Reform

Pros: Really lazy? This is the sect for you. Ya ya, they're really just as religous as us, they have a seperate doctorine...yada, yada. Whatever you have to tell yourself to get to sleep at night. With this sect, you can still make all the 'big nosed, money lender, owning the media' jokes you want, while still sleeping in Satrudays, eating suckling pig, and defiling whatever you want. WHATEVER you want. Plus, your odds of ACTUALLY owning a media are exponentialy higher.
Cons: Lets face it, you guys know that you are the retarded grandkids of Judaism. This isn't mean, its a statement of fact. And you are also the fastest shrinking sect, so...umm...ya, might want to look into that. And really, it's a synagogue, it's not a fucking Temple! We haven't had one since 70 BCE. Deal with it!

Conservative

Pros: Like the transvestite I have locked in my closet, you are confused about your basis in this religous world. You might also need some medical attention, but that's more for the transvestite. Anyhow, this group is perfect if you actually want to feel like you're doing something but dont want to follow ALL 613 Mitzvot. (or 612 if you count Abarbanel....that bastard.) Like a conisouer of cheese or prostitutes, you can pick and choose which Mitzvot you wish to follow, while still maintaing an illusion of religousness. Plus, you can drive to shul.
Cons: Also like the transvestite, you will feel pressure from other sides of Judiasm to stop stradeling the fence. The Reform-er's will try and get you to follow your inner idiot, while the Orthodox will make you feel guilty about eating that lasagna that was baked in the same plate that your chicken was. Although heavy-duty earplugs help, they still don't drown them out completly. And for God's sake, its a kippah. Yamalka is for goyim trying to be Jews

(Modern) Orthodox

Pros: Want to feel close to God? This is the most practical way how. While you still (mostly) interact in the modern world, you still maintain an almost arrogant spirituality. Those black kippas are defiatly shnazzy. Plus, you get to get drunk on Purim. And Lag Ba'Omer. And Shabbat. And Wednesdays. And any other time you please. And, remember those scary guys on the radio who keep talking about those topics that make you horrendously offended? You now agree with him. We love disengagement! Wait, no now we hate it!
Cons: (This is all actually my opinion, and not satire...mostly) You guys are without a doubt the most hypociritcal sect of Judaism. You say that you should follow all the commandments, but yet there are numerous ones that you dont give a rats ass about. Respect your friend? Out the shitcan. Pre-marital relations? Nope, doesn't apply there. Not drinking to excess? Oh no, that's not a big thing. Two men kissing? Striaight to hell! I mean honestly, how is conciously doing one of these things any different from conciously doing any of the other things that you claim are forbidden? (Wow, that turned into more of a rant than I intended. I know I'm gonna catch shit from this after Shabbat, especially from someone else who has a blog)

Chassidic

Pros: Like ZZ-Top? Now you can look like them everyday. This sect, once thought of as a renegade breakaway form of Judiasm, is now ironically one of the most observant sects. With less of an emphasis on 'traditional Judaism', there is more room for cool chants and songs. AND, you practice mysticism, and not sound like a complete wanker. Unlike some celebrities we know *cough* Madonna *cough*.
Cons: Hate the modern state of Israel? You do now (except for Rav Surkis, cause he rocks). If you have any objections to believing that a dead Rabbi is the Messiah, you might want to leave. On that note, you should be prepared to have SOME form of tangable leader in your life, who's every word you will follow. "We do whatever the Rebbe says". Plus, beards have an annoying habit of getting caught in blenders and open corpses.

Charedi

Pros: Feel like Orthodox Judiasm sold out? Umm...ok, feel like you're not doing enough for Judiasm? Er....like throwing stuff at heathens? Ya, thought so. Then Chardei is the life for you. Become part of God's rock-throwing army, and goose-step your way to a better future, one stone at a time. Plus, you got a good shot at being on God's side when the rapture happens. Also, ruin Israeli politics with you crappy political party that ruins the chance of anyone getting a majority government. Who said that a minority government cant get anythign done?
Cons: Stop. Whatever it is you're doing right now is sinful. Yes, even that. Get up immedatly, and repent, sinner. No, don't do it that way, that's also wrong. No, that's bad too. Don't even try that. Listen, just book your one way ticket to hell right now, cause you're a lost cause.

Igaliatarian

Pros: Are you one of those womens-rights acitvists, who believes that women should have a fair share in everyhting? Ya, me neither. But this is a great way to meet women, especially woman Rabbi's. If you've got a talis or kippa fetish, this style of Judiasm will keep you very excited. Plus, the progression to more equal religous worship, yadda yadda yadda. Bring on the babes! Also, bris's are much more interesting when they're done by a woman who's afraid of blood.
Cons: Do you ever want anyone to take you seriously ever again? Then Run. Far Away.

Well there you have it. If I've made one person swear to dance over my grave by now, then I've accomplished my mission.

This is Michael Herman saying: I'm not oppsoed to women's rights, as long as they dont impend on my God-given Chuvanist rights.

PS- Or my right to party.

PPS- Or my innocnece....but no, they could never take that away from me....for you see, I lost that many years ago...in 'Nam....

21 Comments:

At Friday, June 10, 2005 9:21:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

i thought id be nice and visit your blog and read it as u recomended from Chaz's blog and then post a comment well its pretty good but it doesn't provide the same excitment when posting comments see this isn't a universal comment because sorry to say your the only one who;s going to read it

 
At Friday, June 10, 2005 10:30:00 PM, Blogger Chaz said...

Ouch. Herman was burned by Fonzie. That's really sad. Way to go Fonzie, it's nice to see you branch out and not hang around my blog all day.

Oh yeah, the post. It was pretty good. Typical analytical post. All in all good job Herman.

come to chazinc.blogspot.com, where all your fantasies come true (if your fantasies involve reading the inner thoughts of mentally ill individuals).

Chaz out.

 
At Saturday, June 11, 2005 10:47:00 AM, Anonymous Julia said...

Herman,

It was very interesting and I must say that I sometimes think about some of those same disses about the different sects of Judaism (like Modern Orthodox).
On a more serious note, even if I sometimes doubt God's existence, or do not do the commandments, I honestly try to be a nice and helpful person to others. And, if there really is a God, and he would rather me worship him and do silly rituals than be a genuinly good person (or at least try to be) then that is not an ideal God for me, and I am glad that I do not obey him wholeheartedly!

 
At Saturday, June 11, 2005 5:02:00 PM, Blogger Herman said...

Well said Julia.
I agree whole-heartedly.
As long as you remember that most of what I say is satire.

:D

 
At Saturday, June 11, 2005 7:53:00 PM, Anonymous Yoelit L. said...

Very nice herman....

very well done

good to see your CHAT education is actually going somwhere...hahahaha

you say the word "bastard" alot though... im offended.... btw Egalitarian is spelt with an "e" as seen in my example...not with a "i" if youre going to make fun of something, do it right.

good luck on the rest of exams...

 
At Saturday, June 11, 2005 8:47:00 PM, Anonymous Gabe said...

Herman, I loved your post. Although I do consider myself an observant jew somewhere between conservative and modern ortho (officially, I'm conservative), i have no problem with poking fun at my judaism, as long as its doled out equally, as so beautifully done here.

Take care, and have fun studying for the next few exams

 
At Saturday, June 11, 2005 9:53:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

6 comments is this a new record?? im just joking im sure uve had at least 11

 
At Saturday, June 11, 2005 9:54:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

just trying to start shit to give your confidence a boost

 
At Saturday, June 11, 2005 10:50:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

why don't u come read my blog at www.gofuckyourself.blogspot.com

its no joke its a real forum that was created by me so go ch ch ch check it out

 
At Saturday, June 11, 2005 10:51:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Almost 10

 
At Saturday, June 11, 2005 10:51:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

damn its over ten now

 
At Sunday, June 12, 2005 1:28:00 PM, Blogger Bensinger333 said...

Herman, I hope you realize that your comments about Modern Orthodox apply to individuals in the 'movement' and not the whole thing. However, I do happen to agree with you that a lot of us/them are very hypocritical in our/their actions. With regards to some of your SPECIFIC points (e.g. premarital sex) , you're a bit off base, but in general, it's the same problem the reform movement has with people who don't practice Judaism attaching themselves to the name.

And just for the record, I happen to not trangress those specific things... Too much. Except for the pre-maritial sex. Because I just can;t get enough pre-marital sex.

And Julia, I love how your arguments make no sense. (Now a trip in to Ben's personal philosophy) If God wanted you to both be a 'good person' and do 'silly rituals', shouldn't you do both? And, since thanks to Rabbi Akiva we know the 'good person' commandments (last 5) take precedince over the first 5, which seems to be what you want, can't you still try and do both? I'm not suggesting you specificaly have to do this, I just don't understand why you have a problem with the rituals.

Well, I'm done my preaching/defending my faith, and hoping that entire paragraph wasn't directed at me...

Benjy

 
At Sunday, June 12, 2005 4:13:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

To keep with the religios topic i composed a list that shows the diffrence between Chanuka and Christmas

HOLIDAY DISTINCTIONS
1. Christmas is one day, same day every year: December 25.

Jews also love December 25th. It's another paid day off work. We go to movies and out for Chinese food, and Israeli dancing.
Chanukah is 8 days. It starts the evening of the 24th of Kislev, whenever that falls. No one is ever sure.

Jews never know until a non-Jewish friend asks when Chanukah starts, forcing us to consult a calendar so we don't look like idiots.

We all have the same calendar, provided free with a donation from either the World Jewish Congress, the kosher butcher, or the local Sinai Memorial Chapel (especially in Florida) or other Jewish funeral home.

2. Christmas is a major holiday. Chanukah is a minor holiday with the same theme as most Jewish holidays. They tried to kill us, we survived, let's eat.

3. Christians get wonderful presents such as jewelry, perfume, stereos...

Jews get practical presents such as underwear, socks, or the collected works of the Rambam, which looks impressive on the bookshelf.

4. There is only one way to spell Christmas. No one can decide how to spell Chanukah, Chanukah, Chanukka, Channukah, Hanukah, Hannukah.

5. Christmas is a time of great pressure for husbands and boyfriends. Their partners expect special gifts.
Jewish men are relieved of that burden.

No one expects a diamond ring on Chanukah.

6. Christmas brings enormous electric bills. Candles are used for Chanukah.

Not only are we spared enormous electric bills, but we get to feel good about not contributing to the energy crisis.

7. Christmas carols are beautiful. Silent Night, Come All Ye Faithful....
Chanukah songs are about dreidels made from clay or having a party and dancing the horah.

Of course, we are secretly pleased that many of the beautiful carols were composed and written by our tribal brethren.

And don't Barbara Streisand and Neil Diamond sing them beautifully?
8. A home preparing for Christmas smells wonderful. The sweet smell of cookies and cakes baking. Happy people are gathered around in festive moods.

A home preparing for Chanukah smells of oil, potatoes, and onions. The home, as always, is full of loud people all talking at once.

9. Women have fun baking Christmas cookies. Women burn their eyesand cut their hands grating potatoes and onions for latkas on Chanukah.
Another reminder of our suffering through the ages.

10. Parents deliver to their children during Christmas. Jewish parents have no qualms about withholding a gift on any of the eight nights.
11. The players in the Christmas story have easy to pronounce names such as Mary, Joseph, and Jesus. The players in the Chanukah story are Antiochus, Judah Maccabee, and Matta whatever. No one can spell it or pronounce it. On the plus side, we can tell our friends anything and they believe we are wonderfully versed in our history.

 
At Sunday, June 12, 2005 5:06:00 PM, Blogger Herman said...

Thank you for your comments Gabe, Yoelit and Ben. You were the ones that I was expecting to catch shit from, but as long as we undersatnd that this is satire (and even handed at that), I'm glad you enjoyed it.
And yes, I DO use the word 'bastards' a lot. But its my thing. Plus, I've done it in every blog, and I dont plan to change it soon. :D
(on a side note, this IS the most comments I've ever had. Damn Chaz's never-failing army of minions)

 
At Sunday, June 12, 2005 5:08:00 PM, Blogger Herman said...

Oh, and Ben, with regards to my 'modern orthodox' comments, while I'm aware I am generalizing, I know VERY few of them who dont fall into my catorigization. Just go to an Or-Chaim party, and see what I mean

 
At Sunday, June 12, 2005 6:33:00 PM, Blogger A Cranky Old Jew said...

It doesn't matter which sect of Judaism you belong to, because they're all equally holy in the eyes of God.

Of course, they're all equally squishy in the earlobes of Sherlock Holmes.

They're all pretty much equally [useless adjective] in the [orifice] of [fictional character].

So, to reitterate: it doesn't matter which sect of Judaism (or Christianity, or Islam, or Sikhism) you believe in. You're all equally stupid for believing in anything at all. Amen.

 
At Sunday, June 12, 2005 8:56:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

ive got an idea for you to get more readers aside from just telling people to read your blog on chaz's comment board you should give them some incenteve, don't say its funny be funny and then make itknown you have a blog the old saying is build it and they will come well thats obviously not the case so don't say your funny be don't say be man come on the blog was good enough but no hype build the hype don't say be man

 
At Monday, June 13, 2005 9:42:00 AM, Blogger Herman said...

me....speake....english

 
At Tuesday, June 14, 2005 7:36:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

me speak french

 
At Tuesday, June 14, 2005 7:37:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

and farsi forgot

 
At Tuesday, June 14, 2005 11:00:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

christmas is 12 days long.

thank you christian school for teaching me more than them CHATnicks

and by that i mean wahoo 12 days of christmas song.

 

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